I decided to set up a separate page to reflect on my Faith journey. Some of it is entwined in my blog but after all these years of processing and progressing my faith I wondered if I might find it helpful to write about it more directly, perhaps more fully. The last 30 years have been a wrestle to find where I fit and I’ve pretty much found I don’t fit, at least not in the common expressions of Christianity. Over the last 7 years I have found I fit a little in the catholic community and have found myself in a Sunday Mass feeling glad I was there.
My Problem isn’t with God
I’ve never really had an issue with God being a real thing. Even when I was little I might not have had the words but I always felt there was something, perhaps even someone there. It felt obvious that there was a presence beyond what my eyes could see. During my school years I used to talk to God a lot. Walking home from school on my own was the usual space I talked with God. Of course that may have just been talking with an imaginary friend, I don’t think it was but I’m fine if it turns out that I was really just talking with myself.
This has been a feature of my Faith journey, being ok if it all turns out to be made up, a human construct to help us feel connected to a bigger purpose and have a safe place to go. The idea of heaven for example has never, even when I was young been a thing I’ve felt attracted to and certainly have never felt any certainty about it being a real thing. I’m ok either way, real or not it’s what it represents that interests me the most.
For some people ‘punching our ticket to heaven’, as heard a Rev say in a sermon recently, is the whole purpose of life. Getting the ticket and holding on till, either we die or the long awaited return of Jesus to earth to ‘take us all home’. The people motivated by this view of heaven, understandably seem to have a very high motivation to tell other people about heaven and how to get there. In what they would probably call ‘Evangelism’ they will see almost every relationship and situation as an ‘opportunity to share their faith’. Weddings, funerals, family dinners, street corners, social media, anywhere and everywhere is a ‘God Given’ moment to offer people the opportunity to ‘accept Jesus as their personal lord and saviour’, it is their purpose first and last. In fact I have often heard it said that, ‘If you had the cure for cancer would you keep it to yourself or would you want to tell everybody about it’, said as a statement rather than a question. If that were true then I can understand why they are on this mission.
Of course it isn’t true at all, rather than a cure for cancer it’s more of a theory that can’t be proven, not unlike a lot of strange ‘cures’ one finds on the internet and like the people who promote those ‘cures’, the ticket to heaven people are absolutely convinced and are not interested in changing their minds.
RD
Because of the ‘Conviction’ of their beliefs the relationship experience is more akin to being the friend of a network marketing devotee. Invitations to bbq’s, breakfasts, camps, special evenings, bible studies abound and all have two things in common. They are all framed in terms of a fun time usually including food and all have some version of a person giving a talk about their own faith in Jesus and that you too can have that same relationship which of course means you get to punch your ticket to heaven. The really organised churches and organisations will put more effort into making these events attractive to various people groups. For example I was once invite to an evening called Men and Meat. The pitch was we would get to hear a guest butcher teach us how to best cut up meat and then how to cook it. Steak, the meat is always steak. Once the meat is dealt with the butcher or another guest would then ‘do the talk’. Depending on who that person was it would often go quite well, interesting stories, parables a few funny things and then of course the God bit.
Really good versions of this can actually a pretty nice experience. If the butcher is good and the speaker is skilled and sensitive to the group then, listening to the talk feels like a fair trade for the free lesson and the steak sandwich.
RD
I spent a long time, many years seeing myself as an Evangelical and for the most part feeling a sense of meaning in that. The thing is, as time passed so did my reading of scripture and relationships and my sense of what it all means. I found the further I progressed the more I found myself feeling like I did not belong, kind of like being in a family who still speaks to each other in the same baby language as they did decades ago. Still insisting that Santa is coming and that babies are carried in their mummies tummy’s. Maybe they’re good stories for children but I don’t think they’re good for adults and to be honest I’m not altogether certain they are needed for children to develop well either.
I can still remember when the cracks began to show. Our kids were little and we were part of a church in South Australia. A conservative evangelical church that was friendly enough for sure but every Sunday the sermon had to finish with ‘The Cross’. Over and over and over, every sermon, no matter where it started always ended with the message of ‘Jesus dying on the cross for our sin’. After years of this I couldn’t help noticing I was wondering, ‘How can this guy still be so amazed by this story, like he was hearing it for the first time and it was the first time he was telling the crowd gathered in that church?’ I’m sure if I asked him this he would have said this exactly what it is, it’s like I hear it for there first time every day. I have no doubt that would be genuine.
It’s not that I feel people like that a lying to us, though perhaps some are, it’s just that they seem to have arrived at a water hole and built a house, never to move on and continue to progress, learn and discover.
Eventually I came to believe if Jesus ever did turn up again in person, these would be the people who, in full confidence they were serving God, kill the guy again. I can’t believe how obvious this is but never seems to be talked about.
RD
If you’ve ever read the story of Jesus you may have noticed there was a religious system set up by men and essentially, for men. Women and children were at best ‘bit players’, incidental characters only there to serve the men who were the real stars of the show. The power and status was tightly controlled and kept in the hands of the few ‘professional’ religious people. Som of these power brokers were the Priests but the were others. A group called Pharisees where ever present, very conservative and absolutely focused on the Law, or at last their view of the Law. There were other groups as well and all had their particular leaning but by and large they were all into their own power and all, of them seemed to want in one way or the other to project their beliefs onto others and control others behaviour.
Jesus turns up, challenges the religious system and they plot and carry out his execution. An execution driven, planned and carried out my men for men. It is an undeniable fact in that story that the power structure of that time was protecting its own existence and the power was only for men. To me this doesn’t have to be a factual story in order to learn some profound things about religion, power, men and systemic control. It was true then as it’s true now. Politics, religion, business, social media, wealth it all works for the same end. The retention of power and control.
Hundreds, maybe even thousands of times I have sat and listened to a sermon written and spoken by an insecure man with very little skill in communication or insight into humanity. They have had this privilege because they are men and have the academic ability to get through a few years of bible college and could regurgitate the denominational dogma pounded into them during their stint at an institution set up for a particular kind of man. (Women are included there days but not all are happy about it.)
RD
Harsh? Maybe but this is not a sudden thought I have had, it has been brewing for 30 or more years and while I have not been as formally educated as many of these men who hold the reigns of Christianity, like everybody, I have lived, I have failed and have had to face the shadows. I still have those shadows and they still lurk around causing havoc. That said I also continue to move forward on a kind of pilgrimage that can only continue if I am willing to pull up stakes and, once again, head off into the wilderness in search of whatever it is I’m in search of! Honestly I’m not always sure of what I’m searching for, maybe it’s peace? Yes, that feels like part of it, maybe not all of it but it does resonate inside me that for sure. The Evangelical narrative does not give me peace and hasn’t for a very long time but if I said that to your average church pastor they would likely say ‘Jesus isn’t supposed to bring us peace but a challenge’. Recently I heard a Rev say from a pulpit that the most offensive thing in the bible is that it says ‘Jesus is the only way to God’. Apparently he thinks that’s for more offensive than a father offering to throw his two daughters out for an angry mob to rape.
(Genesis 19:8 Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them. But don’t do anything to these men, for they have come under the protection of my roof.”).
A bit from Geneis
I have heard and read arguments to explain what that guy did, some of course are pretty damning writings about that story. Almost all I have read of those arguments are, in my opinion a rationalisation of a biblical story that is a horror show, a vile attitude and act, and this just one story of what that Rev must think are ‘less offensive’ things I can think of in the bible.
I sat wondering what could possibly be in the mind of that Rev, the one who said the most offensive thing in the bible is the claim that “Jesus is the only way to God’, how could he believe such a ridiculous thing, unless he doesn’t really believe it and sadly, that isn’t hard to imagine. A lot of these men say all kinds of things they don’t believe. They preach endlessly about how Jesus welcomes everyone but then they add a few hurdles, a few requirements if you are to really belong. In fact most churches have some kind of membership system where, in order to be a real member there are certain requirements, things to sign to prove you agree with the theology of that particular church. In the Evangelical word it is not enough to attend church, go to bible study, pray and say you believe in God. It is a requirement that a person does some version of ‘Asking Jesus into their Heart’ or ‘Accept Jesus as their person lord and saviour’ and preferably this is done publicly. Once that is done you now have your ticket to heaven, you are now ‘Saved from Hell.’ This is then followed by years of weekly sermons, bible studies, fellowship groups and notably regular opportunities to make a ‘recommitment’ to Jesus when belief has wained. All of this is aimed at ensuring you keep your ticket to heaven and stay committed to the local church.
If I sound sarcastic or dismissive about all this I can assure I am not. I’ve participated in that system as both a recipient and a propagator, I got to that point in my journey and set up camp for quite some time.
I acknowledge that there are many different churches and they are not all the same. There are some that are far more open than others and their sermons are deeply engaging focused on the challenges of being human. The Uniting Church for example welcome the LGBTQI community with open arms and do not require them to repent of their ‘lifestyle’. (The ‘lifestyle’ thing is a particularly pernicious notion)
Imagine believing that unless you say out loud a specific sentence you will spend eternity in a ‘Lake of Burning Sulphur’. What if I accidentally get the words wrong? What if I, like billions of others, have never heard about this sentence I have to say? When cornered with these questions they will usually say, “Well God knows your Heart’ but that is not, in practice how it works in the evangelical world.
There are certain requirements to be a real Christian and these have been added by the people who own the system.
RD
They do not really believe that Jesus welcomes everyone and, as far as I can tell, never have. What they actually believe is that Jesus welcomes part of everyone but until each person qualifies then, and this can be heard in churches all over Australia every week, without those qualifications you are not welcome to be a real part, a full part of us. The real doorway into heaven is not through Jesus, the real doorway is through membership, official or otherwise of a system established in a time when only men were counted and only a handful of those men held power and the keys to the Kingdom.
If I am to take away anything from the Jesus story it is not that I should join that system, in fact what I learn from the Jesus story is exactly the opposite. Challenge those religious systems, speak out and leave them. Anglican, Presbyterian and the others have no interest in you or I being on a journey unless that journey leads you to their church, their membership and their endless appetite for power and control.
I am very grateful that I came to see this religious system as completely separate to God and if I had a prayer it would be that the current exit from those systems continue until they are no longer viable, until those men who except money to carry water for these multinational businesses can no longer be paid. Perhaps then we’ll see what they really do believe, when they no longer have the money to prop up their faith, maybe then we will know, maybe this will bring out the best in them. I hope so.
Far more offensive to me are the Church Leaders who so love to tell stories of those who have laid down their lives for others, using their sacrifice as a punch line to yet another meaningless sermon. Strange I find that they seem unwilling to lay down their own life and rationalise that by saying they have not been ‘called’ to that or worse, that they believe that by getting money and free housing they are in fact laying down their lives for Jesus. “I could have done anything but I chose to sacrifice my life to being a Rev’… kind of thing.
In my opinion the reason people are leaving the church in droves isn’t because they don’t believe there is a God, though I’m sure there’s some of that. At a time in history when the entire world screams out for models of genuine and integrated purpose and belief what does the ‘church’ serve up? A weak as piss, anti-progress bunch of insecure men desperate for status and power and who honestly believe the most important hour of anybodies week is the hour they have to sit and listen to them talk about something they have been repeating for decades.
Yes I am angry but gradually that anger is waining and I suspect what will remain is simple disinterest. As a very good and trusted friend said to me recently. “It’s not that I am wrestling with all this, it’s just that I no longer care about religion’.
RD
I’m not there yet but I can feel it coming. It feels like I’ve been shouting onto the darkness for a long time. That’s what I call my grumpy posts on social media. I shout and shout and a handful of people respond, some for and some against what I’m saying but I suspect many more are seeing another ‘Grumpy Dave Post’ and just scroll on past. I have made no impact, had no influence and my intensity is waining. Soon it will go altogether and I will no longer feel any need to challenge the current versions of Christianity. Part of me can’t wait for that to happen, it feels like it has worn me out. At the same time I fear long my passion. I fear no longer caring about faith and religion and what the church is doing. I fear not thinking about it and no longer having a burning desire to challenge the status quo.
That said, and this is the hardest part, I am less fearful of all that than I used to be. Less worried about the future of faith, day by day the intensity reduces and I am thinking about other things, other issues, more important things. Day by day I am further from that system I spent so long involved in.
Even so, for some reason, and I’m yet to truly understand this, I am still conscious of God and find her to be not at all like the system that claims to represent her. She has been my constant companion, my mother, father, my sister and brother since I was little boy and she remains my companion now.
I can’t explain it, I don’t fully understand it and I have no concern if my companion turns out to be a manifestation of my own internal dialogue, that deep human longing to be seen and loved and o have a purpose beyond the daily grind. The God that I believe in seems a lot less insecure than that system. In fact this is how secure the God I believe in is:
If one day it can be proved that God does not exist then I will no longer believe in her, because She is truth and She expects no less of me.
RD